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Only Madness Allowed in RedUK

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Quelques choses à savoir sur moi :
- Eclate de rire pour un rien 笑
- Cherche des autocollants
- Possède une boite de Canette Coca Cola qui est vide pour faire de la Musique
- N'aime pas Coca Cola
- Aime prendre des photos sans talent
- Est végétarienne depuis plus de 9 ans
- Aime le Punk Rock
- Est Anarchiste Libertaire sûrement.
- Aime Vivre
- Bertrand m'a manqué.
- Bertrand c'était le nom de mon blog.
- Je vis en Angleterre maintenant
- Va à des Gigs sans connaître les groupes qui jouent.
- Est presque Bilingue (Anglais/Français) (Le Presque est à souligner parce que certains ne le comprennent pas)

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*the Sanctuary rules*

I am aware that people are visiting my blog a bit more often, and that I am also being asked about it. I am not hiding it as it is online, and it is my own expression.

The only thing I'd ask you, is to not judge me, to not be alarmed at the things I write - especially when it is emotional. I am aware there are a few things that could make somebody react if they understand the meaning behind the words, but I do not want you to pity me or judge me.

There are "reflection articles" where I would be more than happy to hear you telling me how wrong I am (I love arguing about stuff - as long as the arguments have actual weight).

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#Posted on Monday, 12 September 2016 at 7:21 AM

Edited on Sunday, 03 January 2021 at 7:03 AM

#ED

I naturally love life. 3 months ago I didn't just want to die, I tried to die. They took away everything that could be dangerous around me. I also made cuts on my legs during an anxiety attack, without remembering or feeling it. Been on meds since then,with regular doctor appointments. Lost another 10kg. (lost more than 18kg in total since mid December). Even tho one part of me is slowly doing better I am still loosing weight. I am trying to say "help" to the doctors, but I've got to wait. I have to wait. I see all my bones everywhere and it's becoming pretty painful. My clothes are falling. I have a huge control over what I eat, and at the same time I rationally know that I've completely lost it. It's tough to actually know what's happening to yourself as I have studied ED and that I am working in the mental health field. I am not super human though. Life's tough and yesterday another layer of sturdiness got added.

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#Posted on Saturday, 20 March 2021 at 3:28 PM

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#Posted on Monday, 08 February 2021 at 1:19 PM

Vanishing spell

It's not the end of the hurdle but, I learnt so much. Always listen to dreams, listen to magic.

We build shields thinking they'd never disappear.

They might though, we cannot be ready for this. We choose our lives, but we do not choose all the details. We're not free, there is this social contract, linking us, humans to humans, for the good and for the bad.

As we cannot travel on the Earth, I had to undertake a special kind of trip, within myself, the subconscious. The whale is opening the way to the different windows of the buildings, it is showing the paths undertaken.

Draining.

It was chaos. It is chaos.

You are a rose. Aren't you?

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#Posted on Wednesday, 27 January 2021 at 4:43 AM

Book magic.

Book magic. Do you know I do when I read a book? I use "something" as a bookmark. Sometimes a flyer, a postcard, a flight or train ticket. Something. This "something" adds to their story.
I sometimes lend books, give them, swap them, forget them, leave them on purpose on a train. I love books. I love the stories they bring. I like remembering how I acquired a specific book, who borrowed which one.
Sometimes people do not return the book, sometimes they do, sometimes they loose it and buy a brand new one for replacement.

Books are a from a different universe.

I found a train ticket from Summer 99' from Paris to Orléan. It was given to this person who travelled with it in 1998.

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#Posted on Wednesday, 06 January 2021 at 3:42 PM

f u l l h e a d

Who to believe?

All and its opposite.

Eat, don't eat.

You're skinny, you're fat, obese.

You should eat more. You should eat less.

You look like a pig. It's for appearance.

I want to feel better. I will never feel better.

I hate food.

It reminds me of being human. It reminds me of pain, people exercising power.

Nobody wants to listen, it's all in my head, and I cry. They don't want to hear the story. I wish I could tell the whole story. I cannot remember it all. I wiped my memory from it. It still hurts and they don't know because it's all in my head.

I don't know what to say to defend myself. If I starve I become numb to pain. I focus on my frienemy.

I am tired of pain, there is no cure.

Food is poison, so let me get rid of it.

I've lost some weight and I remain blind to the difference.

I want to stop suffering or I least I want to have control on how to suffer.

I do not deserve anyone, nor anyone deserves to be sitting next to my thoughts.

I do no wish to waste life. I would like to live it.

Being alive is a painful circle.

I t i s a l l i n m y h e a d

then I will stay in my head.

photograph by Beckett Ruiz

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#Posted on Sunday, 03 January 2021 at 6:38 AM

Edited on Sunday, 03 January 2021 at 12:12 PM

so many swallowed words.

The fracture of a world based on an "unmutual understanding". Dysfunctional brains. Who is that who cannot see? Both.

Words are rephrased first.

It's a whole process starting with abstract images, non- existent colours from maybe an outer world. Then, there is a whole vibration, defining the "conveyance" and creating two hundreds and thirty nine stories intertwined and linked to each other by fragmented and invisible threads of silk.

Yes, the thought process has already started.

If emotions become intense, the sheet goes white, the heart gets tightened, the vision gets blurry, the universe is now stopped in time.

Do you understand so far?

If life is given to the images, they first become a melodic poem, an internal debate lasting for fifty eight nights.

Then, the translation into human words begins. After all this effort, we're finally able to choose from a wide panel of words into the many languages we know, decide what style to use, weight the words that look alike.

Then, when the decision is made, you speak it and it's wrong.

That's all it takes to get to have a conversation. It gets harder with time, especially as vocabulary expends and as you also understand its limits.

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#Posted on Friday, 18 December 2020 at 12:31 PM

Edited on Friday, 18 December 2020 at 12:51 PM

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Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

#ED

Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

Vanishing spell

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Book magic.

Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

f u l l h e a d

Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

so many swallowed words.

Comment Don't forget that insults, racism, etc. are forbidden by Skyrock's 'General Terms of Use' and that you can be identified by your IP address (3.238.95.208) if someone makes a complaint.

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